Just Another Day

Weak and exhausted I entered into this week. Trying to ride the euphoria that has claimed me over the past week, I realized that there has to be more to life than everything falling apart all at once. My adult literacy kid wanted to take our tutor/tuttee relationship to a friendship level if not more. I know this because he called me every day when he found out I broke up with Frank asking to go swimming or something else. Naturally I turned him down. I told him it would be extremely unprofessional of me, but in my head I was thinking, I do not want to deal with your drama. He has a hard life and a hard family to deal with and I wish that I could be more than just a teacher to him, but I know that I have to protect myself. I have gotten into that cycle before with people. They rely on me heavily and it drains me of all energy emotionally and physically. I told him that for the rest of the summer we should take a break from the tutoring. I hope he will understand eventually.

On top of this, my car broke down which is causing another great stress in my life. I cannot afford a new car and I am getting so tired of having to rely on my parents for the money to fix the cars.

The next thing that is going wrong is my motivation for my classes. Of course this all had to happen when I am starting a new class, so worn out and not ready I am trying to cram as much information into my head as I possibly can so I can take the first test and hope I at least get a C. I am relying heavily on the knowledge that I have accumulated over my college career and I hope that it will be enough to get me to the point where I can focus in again to my goals.

It is bewildering to me that such a thing can be so cataclysmic. I need to get out of this funk I am in at the moment and keep living! I have been trying to stay busy and active, but I just feel worn out and grouchy most of the time. I want to disappear and forget, but life does not allow for breaks. I have to go to work to pay my bills and I have to do my homework so I can live the life that I have been striving to live for almost five years now.

How much more can a person take? It is no wonder that my emotions are on high and I sleep all the time. I do not exercise because I simply do not want to and I do not feel like cleaning my house because I simply do not want to. This is so unfair to me because with him I was so motivated. He was my motivator. I wanted to do well because I knew that it would help us. Now I am struggling to find the reason besides for my own sanity. How wrong is this!! I should be doing it solely for me, but to me all I can see is a big life ahead of me and a potential career that will lead me to...what more solitude? I will have all this money but who will travel with me? My friends that are married or have significant others and kids? My friends who are still trying to discover what they want to do with their life? I hate the idea of going alone, but what choice do I have? I could go on a mission and then come back to what? A few years closer to being booted out to a family ward where my chances of finding the perfect one go from 50% to almost nill? Where is the glory in that?

I will live my life as I have been told by the Lord is the way I need to go for my own sake, but that does not mean that I cannot need for validation that everything will turn out alright. I will not be alone for the rest of my life living next door to my sisters and taking care of their kids. I cannot exist in a world where I am not good enough to get what I surely deserve. I will just have to keep working I guess and hope for the best. And try and put my doubts and fears aside. That is the best I can do.

New Beginnings

Over the past few days I have been in deep thought. I have had constant company and for the first time I had my house to myself. I slowly have weeded out his belongings and things I no longer have any interest in that I know he will appreciate. I will give them to him today for the sake of my sanity and to make that house solely mine. I hope he understands that I do not hold any bad grudges against him. I do not hate him, far from it. He is a good man, just not good enough for me.

It always amazes me how two people's lives can become so intertwined. I found things that I had forgotten about all over the place that were his, pajama pants, water bottles, hair brushes, soap, sweaters, even some alcohol that I no longer have interest in.

I am not afraid of the future, but very anxious to begin. I re-read my patriarchal blessing and realized that I am destined for some pretty awesome stuff. I hope I didn't miss the boat! I am sure God will reward me. As a matter of fact, he already has. I may have a broken heart, but I barely feel it. It is more like the outside rim of my heart hurts and the inside is so full of direction and purpose that there is no room for hurt.

As I move forward in my goal and purpose, I will strive to not make the same mistake twice (or a third time if you want to count Will.) I plan with everything I have in me to go for that eternal marriage, to find that someone who will fulfill my every wish, desire and hope. I will realize that loneliness is Satan's tool and that I will not let it get to me this time. I will fill my days with so much to-do that I will go home exhausted and on my days off I will rest and let my body unwind. I will use Sunday as a day of rest and try with all my might to focus on what is really important, myself and my salvation.

Broken

Yesterday was the final straw. Frank blew up over a small thing again and wanted to break up with me. I let him this time. It ended up being mutual because I admitted that I had been feeling like God was practically yelling at me, and His voice was getting quieter. I hurt all over, I have no appetite and I have done nothing but cry all night. My heart is broken. I had so many hopes and dreams that I had built up around him. I was waiting for him to get his life together so that we could start ours together. He was even bringing up marriage more often. However, I cannot feel that eventually our different desires in life would have hurt us. I want an eternal marriage. I want to be sealed to my children and consequently stay sealed to my Mom, Dad, and sisters. Frank had no interest in the church. He would have never quit smoking and he would not have stopped drinking. It would have gone against his nature to do such a thing.

I miss him. I will always miss him, but I have so much going on for me that it is difficult to see my life completely falling apart without him. I will miss his touch, his kisses, his tender strokes, his humor, and mostly his company. I intend to stay friends with him, but we will let the healing process take effect a bit. I think we would be better friends anyway. I was losing the connection I had felt towards him and I know it was because my desires were not being met. I wanted to be married. I am ready for it. I am ready to start a life with a man and create a family. Frank could not do that for me. He had been hurt so badly and his baggage so heavy that I played second fiddle. I need to be first fiddle.

I realized quickly last night that I was fooling myself into thinking I could exist without the gospel in my life. I would turn a deaf ear to all church related things because I felt the spirit every time and it was telling me that I was doing the wrong thing. How could I ignore such promptings someone may ask? Because I loved him and I did not want to be alone. I do not want to be alone. I know how it feels to be alone. I send out inquiries to all that read this blog to look around you for eligible men. Minimum age 24 max probably about 34. I can handle them having children and ex wives now, but that needs to be in the past. I cannot deal with being someones caregiver and making them trust me. They need to be in school and doing what they can to stay worthy.

Almost done

I have now put up the smaller details such as the outlet covers and the hardware for the curtains. I found some awesome deals on curtains at Shopko and some beautiful fabric for the living room. I am trying to feel out if I will even do drapery in the dining room. I am also making my own curtains in the kitchen bay window because the color I picked for the walls clashes with the existing drapes. (Sorry Lynnette.)

With all of this done it has become a bit of a downer. The project was fulfilling and worthwhile, but it was so extended out and such a waiting game and the shopping. Oy. I am not a shopper. I hate doing it as a matter of fact. I usually go to the same place every time just to avoid it, but I am trying to be as frugal as possible.

I am also feeling a great deal of pressure from the first block of my classes ending thus creating a realization of lack of time. I have no idea what to write for my second paper and I am behind on one entire book. I will have to buckle down here now that my space has more settled and calming atmosphere. It is fatiguing more often than not to keep focused on what needs to be done. I am so driven and have so much desire, but it is the anticipation of not having to do this EVER AGAIN that makes me just want to cry. However, I just have to believe that there is an end and I can do it.

I promise that when I get a camera and everything set up I will post pictures of the finished product of my house.

Trying to Build Something Beautiful

It is so frustrating to paint. You have to paint one coat, dry, then another, dry, make sure that you don't paint the places not that color and then you have to tape off what you just painted if you are painting the other areas a different color. However, the progression has been steady thanks to many friends and family helping. I am now down to the last coat of paint on the trim and planning to do the ceiling tonight. I am wishing to clean my carpet while all my furniture is conveniently off of it, so tonight I will do the first coat of ceiling paint. Then tomorrow I plan to take a mental health day and clean the carpet with every intention of hiding out in my room all day while it dries. Next day is all about moving stuff back into place and putting up drapes. The next day is going to be the big challenge, organizing the garage. Pictures to be posted once I figure out how to do it. It is very frightening to look at all the clutter an individual accumulates in just one year. I hope to keep up this tradition of a yearly cleaning over a week's time so I will not end up on the show Hoarders. :) It is off to finishing my assignments. I feel good about this semester, so keep all ligaments crossed!

Missing you!

Lynnette, my roommate of over a year now has been forced to move out. She had to quit her job as a manager at Maurices because of various problems with her boss and the work environment. She had found a new job working at an insurance agency. However, this took certification and test taking which took longer than she expected. Slowly her money ran out and she told me last week that she had to leave. It is true that I wish she had informed me earlier stressed or not, but I also started to move forward with plans to paint the front room and clean the carpets.

It was odd. I was not very sad that she was leaving. I was eager and almost impatient. However, today, when the last of her things went out the door (minus a mirror and painting that she accidentally left behind) I felt a great void.It is true that my house looks rather sad at the moment with no drapes and various paint samples on the wall, but when I sat there by myself I quickly realized that the presence of Lynnette was gone. There was not feeling of someone else. It was all me. It was a rather interesting feeling that I soaked in for almost half and hour. The space was totally and wholly mine. I missed her presence, but I also felt so much liberation and yet the whole empty feeling was almost inescapable. It is very bipolar feeling of me.

I will miss Lynnette's laugh, her ability to make me laugh, our late night talks as we get ready for bed, the various plans to make the house our own, my grips with her not being outside of her own room and hers of my constant clutter, but most of all it was the coming home to someone. Knowing she was there even if asleep or awake. We were together and now it is over. Sighs and laments.

Moving Forward

It is so hard to face up to criticism from your family and friends. I believe that the life I have is a good one. I am a good person and I have good goals and dreams. I may not have what people would want for me in a relationship, but I love this man. He is my other half. He has my humor, my drive, and my dreams in mind. This is all I ask of him. What I ask of everyone else is to respect my decision and recognize that this last fight has eliminated most of the old issues such as his inability to commit to me. He told me straight up he will marry me when he can support himself instead of relying on me. As stupid as this sounds to some, I respect it. I know marriage is a partnership, but in this situation maybe individual growth needs to happen first. I will leave this argument at that. I love all of you and I hope you can just back me up instead of coming down on me.