Weak and exhausted I entered into this week. Trying to ride the euphoria that has claimed me over the past week, I realized that there has to be more to life than everything falling apart all at once. My adult literacy kid wanted to take our tutor/tuttee relationship to a friendship level if not more. I know this because he called me every day when he found out I broke up with Frank asking to go swimming or something else. Naturally I turned him down. I told him it would be extremely unprofessional of me, but in my head I was thinking, I do not want to deal with your drama. He has a hard life and a hard family to deal with and I wish that I could be more than just a teacher to him, but I know that I have to protect myself. I have gotten into that cycle before with people. They rely on me heavily and it drains me of all energy emotionally and physically. I told him that for the rest of the summer we should take a break from the tutoring. I hope he will understand eventually.
On top of this, my car broke down which is causing another great stress in my life. I cannot afford a new car and I am getting so tired of having to rely on my parents for the money to fix the cars.
The next thing that is going wrong is my motivation for my classes. Of course this all had to happen when I am starting a new class, so worn out and not ready I am trying to cram as much information into my head as I possibly can so I can take the first test and hope I at least get a C. I am relying heavily on the knowledge that I have accumulated over my college career and I hope that it will be enough to get me to the point where I can focus in again to my goals.
It is bewildering to me that such a thing can be so cataclysmic. I need to get out of this funk I am in at the moment and keep living! I have been trying to stay busy and active, but I just feel worn out and grouchy most of the time. I want to disappear and forget, but life does not allow for breaks. I have to go to work to pay my bills and I have to do my homework so I can live the life that I have been striving to live for almost five years now.
How much more can a person take? It is no wonder that my emotions are on high and I sleep all the time. I do not exercise because I simply do not want to and I do not feel like cleaning my house because I simply do not want to. This is so unfair to me because with him I was so motivated. He was my motivator. I wanted to do well because I knew that it would help us. Now I am struggling to find the reason besides for my own sanity. How wrong is this!! I should be doing it solely for me, but to me all I can see is a big life ahead of me and a potential career that will lead me to...what more solitude? I will have all this money but who will travel with me? My friends that are married or have significant others and kids? My friends who are still trying to discover what they want to do with their life? I hate the idea of going alone, but what choice do I have? I could go on a mission and then come back to what? A few years closer to being booted out to a family ward where my chances of finding the perfect one go from 50% to almost nill? Where is the glory in that?
I will live my life as I have been told by the Lord is the way I need to go for my own sake, but that does not mean that I cannot need for validation that everything will turn out alright. I will not be alone for the rest of my life living next door to my sisters and taking care of their kids. I cannot exist in a world where I am not good enough to get what I surely deserve. I will just have to keep working I guess and hope for the best. And try and put my doubts and fears aside. That is the best I can do.
1 comment:
Oh Candice... that's really sad thinking. And, it's a perspective that is holding onto things you already have. Embrace change. Go traveling with people who will appreciate the culture. Get involved in some of the traveling groups at Weber State. I've made some great, lasting friendships by bustrips to Seattle and flying to California. It's such a great way to connect because you instantly have something in common and a no-stress environment to do it in. Live out your dreams! When you aren't motivated to work out - make a GROUP goal with someone. For example, if you've always wanted to do the splits, sign up for a yoga class with a friend *coughcough* or start a routine with a friend to do that hike you've always thought would be cool... things like that. Working out sucks when it's just working out. .. especially when you're alone. But!! Mwa ha! You're not alone!! Awesome, huh? This stage in life is weird because there's no set plan- you basically just try to be the person you want to be in the end and things will work themselves into your life. :)
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