Broken

Yesterday was the final straw. Frank blew up over a small thing again and wanted to break up with me. I let him this time. It ended up being mutual because I admitted that I had been feeling like God was practically yelling at me, and His voice was getting quieter. I hurt all over, I have no appetite and I have done nothing but cry all night. My heart is broken. I had so many hopes and dreams that I had built up around him. I was waiting for him to get his life together so that we could start ours together. He was even bringing up marriage more often. However, I cannot feel that eventually our different desires in life would have hurt us. I want an eternal marriage. I want to be sealed to my children and consequently stay sealed to my Mom, Dad, and sisters. Frank had no interest in the church. He would have never quit smoking and he would not have stopped drinking. It would have gone against his nature to do such a thing.

I miss him. I will always miss him, but I have so much going on for me that it is difficult to see my life completely falling apart without him. I will miss his touch, his kisses, his tender strokes, his humor, and mostly his company. I intend to stay friends with him, but we will let the healing process take effect a bit. I think we would be better friends anyway. I was losing the connection I had felt towards him and I know it was because my desires were not being met. I wanted to be married. I am ready for it. I am ready to start a life with a man and create a family. Frank could not do that for me. He had been hurt so badly and his baggage so heavy that I played second fiddle. I need to be first fiddle.

I realized quickly last night that I was fooling myself into thinking I could exist without the gospel in my life. I would turn a deaf ear to all church related things because I felt the spirit every time and it was telling me that I was doing the wrong thing. How could I ignore such promptings someone may ask? Because I loved him and I did not want to be alone. I do not want to be alone. I know how it feels to be alone. I send out inquiries to all that read this blog to look around you for eligible men. Minimum age 24 max probably about 34. I can handle them having children and ex wives now, but that needs to be in the past. I cannot deal with being someones caregiver and making them trust me. They need to be in school and doing what they can to stay worthy.