Trying to Build Something Beautiful

It is so frustrating to paint. You have to paint one coat, dry, then another, dry, make sure that you don't paint the places not that color and then you have to tape off what you just painted if you are painting the other areas a different color. However, the progression has been steady thanks to many friends and family helping. I am now down to the last coat of paint on the trim and planning to do the ceiling tonight. I am wishing to clean my carpet while all my furniture is conveniently off of it, so tonight I will do the first coat of ceiling paint. Then tomorrow I plan to take a mental health day and clean the carpet with every intention of hiding out in my room all day while it dries. Next day is all about moving stuff back into place and putting up drapes. The next day is going to be the big challenge, organizing the garage. Pictures to be posted once I figure out how to do it. It is very frightening to look at all the clutter an individual accumulates in just one year. I hope to keep up this tradition of a yearly cleaning over a week's time so I will not end up on the show Hoarders. :) It is off to finishing my assignments. I feel good about this semester, so keep all ligaments crossed!

Missing you!

Lynnette, my roommate of over a year now has been forced to move out. She had to quit her job as a manager at Maurices because of various problems with her boss and the work environment. She had found a new job working at an insurance agency. However, this took certification and test taking which took longer than she expected. Slowly her money ran out and she told me last week that she had to leave. It is true that I wish she had informed me earlier stressed or not, but I also started to move forward with plans to paint the front room and clean the carpets.

It was odd. I was not very sad that she was leaving. I was eager and almost impatient. However, today, when the last of her things went out the door (minus a mirror and painting that she accidentally left behind) I felt a great void.It is true that my house looks rather sad at the moment with no drapes and various paint samples on the wall, but when I sat there by myself I quickly realized that the presence of Lynnette was gone. There was not feeling of someone else. It was all me. It was a rather interesting feeling that I soaked in for almost half and hour. The space was totally and wholly mine. I missed her presence, but I also felt so much liberation and yet the whole empty feeling was almost inescapable. It is very bipolar feeling of me.

I will miss Lynnette's laugh, her ability to make me laugh, our late night talks as we get ready for bed, the various plans to make the house our own, my grips with her not being outside of her own room and hers of my constant clutter, but most of all it was the coming home to someone. Knowing she was there even if asleep or awake. We were together and now it is over. Sighs and laments.

Moving Forward

It is so hard to face up to criticism from your family and friends. I believe that the life I have is a good one. I am a good person and I have good goals and dreams. I may not have what people would want for me in a relationship, but I love this man. He is my other half. He has my humor, my drive, and my dreams in mind. This is all I ask of him. What I ask of everyone else is to respect my decision and recognize that this last fight has eliminated most of the old issues such as his inability to commit to me. He told me straight up he will marry me when he can support himself instead of relying on me. As stupid as this sounds to some, I respect it. I know marriage is a partnership, but in this situation maybe individual growth needs to happen first. I will leave this argument at that. I love all of you and I hope you can just back me up instead of coming down on me.

Realization

Today I got a call from my travel agency. They wanted me to come and pick up my confirmation papers. All of a sudden, this wave of excitement hit me. I actually started jumping up and down and tackling my Mom (she was not too thrilled about that haha.) It was like someone turned the light on in my brain and said, "you're going to London! Be excited!" There are still issues such as I only have about $300 for spending money. I am worried because it is too late to get any banks to change my money into pounds, and I've heard of three people's Visa cards that didn't work because Visa suspended activity due to the fact it was from a completely different country. My issue is mostly that I have so little money that any loss of any type of form of money is huge. I do plan to take a Visa, my Mastercard Debit, and $100 cash with me, so hopefully it will all work out.

Today our family friend T.J. Smith came to visit. He is checking out Weber State and Utah Valley for potential colleges and is crashing at our house for a night. It is perfect because he has his own private bath and some privacy from the rest of the house. It has been nice to talk to him on a more one on one basis. He might be going out for Weber's football team, but if that doesn't work out, he'll settle for UVU.

I have finally completed my last paper of the semester. It is such a relief. There was a moment where I almost didn't want to make it to the end, but I'm so glad that I did.

Again, as I posted earlier, I am so grateful and blessed. I feel the spirit crashing through my heart right now, leading me towards my goals. I know this is tidings of good things to come.

So blessed

My family was able to pull together a soccer team, so to kill time before I leave I decided to "count my blessings."
1.I have a family that is financially sound.
2.I have been able to work little jobs to earn some money instead of settle for a job at mcdonalds like so many other people have had to
3. I have two sisters that love me
4. I have two new brother-in-laws who love me and I love them
5. I have the opportunity of a lifetime to go to England
6. I not only am not afraid to go alone to England, but I know I have the ability to
7. I may be overweight, but that just means I'll never go hungry
8. I am mentally strong
9. I have three more classes to take before I graduate college
10. I have an extended family that loves me
11. I have good friends who make me feel like life is for fun and not to be taken too seriously
12. I am intelligent enough to know my potential and know that settling for a waitressing job or worse if below me, and the intellegence mentioned can get me any job I aim for

All by myself and reading Dracula!

I am reading Dracula for the second time in a year in a house that is completely empy except me, and I'm totally spooked. For those of you who haven't read Bram Stoker's Dracula, do it, but read it in a well lit room or in the sun cause there are definate creepy parts. I haven't seen the movie and I will probably won't because I truly believe it will totally spoil my vision of the story.

My parents left for Paris yesterday and I have the whole house to myself. I never thought I would feel lonely, but it is rather lonely to be in a big house all alone. However, I am enjoying the solitude. I am enjoying the fact that I don't feel like I should be doing something and being productive. I can go at my own pace and not feel guilty for not cleaning up. Also, I need complete silence when I study, so it is really nice to have absolutely no interruptions.

I also have a confession...I found some old lingerie. My favorite is this silky nightgown so I've been sleeping in that. haha. Silk feels SO good against the skin. Especially when you've just shaven your legs. Too much information, I know, but I had to tell SOMEONE! haha

ENGLAND HERE I COME!

I am happy to announce that I found a tour group to join up with and I am now going to England. I make the final payment tomorrow and get all the info in the next couple of weeks. I know I leave on May 5 and won't be back until May 19th. Both flights are at reasonable times and I got the tickets for $800 roundtrip! I'll post my itinerary later, but I can't explain how tangible this is now that the money is paid. I feel so excited I just want to scream shout and dance, but that is a hard thing to do with your parents watching you. haha.

I do have some minor stress about finding a job. I have applied to the AMC movie theater where I used to work, but they haven't received my application and thus can't schedule me. I am very suspicious of this though, because my cousin Ryan said he just started right away and did the application later. Sigh, such is life for me.

I have an interview tomorrow and am totally freaking out about it, but it is a part time position. I am also realizing that even though it pays three dollars more than I have made anywhere else I have every worked at in my life, I will only get about 18 hours a week. The reason for this sort of let down is that I was hoping I could move out this August. This is not looking good even if I get the job I am interviewing for. I am worried that the stress of living on my own going, again, paycheck to paycheck is going to make my grades drop which is something I can't afford. I have lived on my own and understand the stress.

I am also concerned that I won't get into the teaching program at Weber State and will have to apply somewhere else. Getting my bachelors complicates things because it is either I just go through the motions and get the certification or technically another bachelors or I do the masters program which is even more intense work, but with my mediocre GPA I am not sure they would even consider accepting me. All of this and if I move out that would really put my stress level at a high range. I have considered just getting the certification and then going back for a masters, but that would mean another year or two of school and I really don't think I want to do that at this stage in the game.

Maybe I need to just stick my mind out there and see what I can do, but I honestly can say that I fear failure above all other things. I fear falling behind and not being good enough. I fear disappointing my family, again. I pray for patience for the things to come and come what may I just stand and move forward because that is all I can do. It is maddening!