Candice's Story

Just Another Day

2011-06-30T16:43:00.002-06:00

Weak and exhausted I entered into this week. Trying to ride the euphoria that has claimed me over the past week, I realized that there has to be more to life than everything falling apart all at once. My adult literacy kid wanted to take our tutor/tuttee relationship to a friendship level if not more. I know this because he called me every day when he found out I broke up with Frank asking to go swimming or something else. Naturally I turned him down. I told him it would be extremely unprofessional of me, but in my head I was thinking, I do not want to deal with your drama. He has a hard life and a hard family to deal with and I wish that I could be more than just a teacher to him, but I know that I have to protect myself. I have gotten into that cycle before with people. They rely on me heavily and it drains me of all energy emotionally and physically. I told him that for the rest of the summer we should take a break from the tutoring. I hope he will understand eventually.

On top of this, my car broke down which is causing another great stress in my life. I cannot afford a new car and I am getting so tired of having to rely on my parents for the money to fix the cars.

The next thing that is going wrong is my motivation for my classes. Of course this all had to happen when I am starting a new class, so worn out and not ready I am trying to cram as much information into my head as I possibly can so I can take the first test and hope I at least get a C. I am relying heavily on the knowledge that I have accumulated over my college career and I hope that it will be enough to get me to the point where I can focus in again to my goals.

It is bewildering to me that such a thing can be so cataclysmic. I need to get out of this funk I am in at the moment and keep living! I have been trying to stay busy and active, but I just feel worn out and grouchy most of the time. I want to disappear and forget, but life does not allow for breaks. I have to go to work to pay my bills and I have to do my homework so I can live the life that I have been striving to live for almost five years now.

How much more can a person take? It is no wonder that my emotions are on high and I sleep all the time. I do not exercise because I simply do not want to and I do not feel like cleaning my house because I simply do not want to. This is so unfair to me because with him I was so motivated. He was my motivator. I wanted to do well because I knew that it would help us. Now I am struggling to find the reason besides for my own sanity. How wrong is this!! I should be doing it solely for me, but to me all I can see is a big life ahead of me and a potential career that will lead me to...what more solitude? I will have all this money but who will travel with me? My friends that are married or have significant others and kids? My friends who are still trying to discover what they want to do with their life? I hate the idea of going alone, but what choice do I have? I could go on a mission and then come back to what? A few years closer to being booted out to a family ward where my chances of finding the perfect one go from 50% to almost nill? Where is the glory in that?

I will live my life as I have been told by the Lord is the way I need to go for my own sake, but that does not mean that I cannot need for validation that everything will turn out alright. I will not be alone for the rest of my life living next door to my sisters and taking care of their kids. I cannot exist in a world where I am not good enough to get what I surely deserve. I will just have to keep working I guess and hope for the best. And try and put my doubts and fears aside. That is the best I can do.

New Beginnings

2011-06-24T15:25:00.002-06:00

Over the past few days I have been in deep thought. I have had constant company and for the first time I had my house to myself. I slowly have weeded out his belongings and things I no longer have any interest in that I know he will appreciate. I will give them to him today for the sake of my sanity and to make that house solely mine. I hope he understands that I do not hold any bad grudges against him. I do not hate him, far from it. He is a good man, just not good enough for me.

It always amazes me how two people's lives can become so intertwined. I found things that I had forgotten about all over the place that were his, pajama pants, water bottles, hair brushes, soap, sweaters, even some alcohol that I no longer have interest in.

I am not afraid of the future, but very anxious to begin. I re-read my patriarchal blessing and realized that I am destined for some pretty awesome stuff. I hope I didn't miss the boat! I am sure God will reward me. As a matter of fact, he already has. I may have a broken heart, but I barely feel it. It is more like the outside rim of my heart hurts and the inside is so full of direction and purpose that there is no room for hurt.

As I move forward in my goal and purpose, I will strive to not make the same mistake twice (or a third time if you want to count Will.) I plan with everything I have in me to go for that eternal marriage, to find that someone who will fulfill my every wish, desire and hope. I will realize that loneliness is Satan's tool and that I will not let it get to me this time. I will fill my days with so much to-do that I will go home exhausted and on my days off I will rest and let my body unwind. I will use Sunday as a day of rest and try with all my might to focus on what is really important, myself and my salvation.

Broken

2011-06-21T08:42:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was the final straw. Frank blew up over a small thing again and wanted to break up with me. I let him this time. It ended up being mutual because I admitted that I had been feeling like God was practically yelling at me, and His voice was getting quieter. I hurt all over, I have no appetite and I have done nothing but cry all night. My heart is broken. I had so many hopes and dreams that I had built up around him. I was waiting for him to get his life together so that we could start ours together. He was even bringing up marriage more often. However, I cannot feel that eventually our different desires in life would have hurt us. I want an eternal marriage. I want to be sealed to my children and consequently stay sealed to my Mom, Dad, and sisters. Frank had no interest in the church. He would have never quit smoking and he would not have stopped drinking. It would have gone against his nature to do such a thing.

I miss him. I will always miss him, but I have so much going on for me that it is difficult to see my life completely falling apart without him. I will miss his touch, his kisses, his tender strokes, his humor, and mostly his company. I intend to stay friends with him, but we will let the healing process take effect a bit. I think we would be better friends anyway. I was losing the connection I had felt towards him and I know it was because my desires were not being met. I wanted to be married. I am ready for it. I am ready to start a life with a man and create a family. Frank could not do that for me. He had been hurt so badly and his baggage so heavy that I played second fiddle. I need to be first fiddle.

I realized quickly last night that I was fooling myself into thinking I could exist without the gospel in my life. I would turn a deaf ear to all church related things because I felt the spirit every time and it was telling me that I was doing the wrong thing. How could I ignore such promptings someone may ask? Because I loved him and I did not want to be alone. I do not want to be alone. I know how it feels to be alone. I send out inquiries to all that read this blog to look around you for eligible men. Minimum age 24 max probably about 34. I can handle them having children and ex wives now, but that needs to be in the past. I cannot deal with being someones caregiver and making them trust me. They need to be in school and doing what they can to stay worthy.

Almost done

2011-06-03T21:21:00.002-06:00

I have now put up the smaller details such as the outlet covers and the hardware for the curtains. I found some awesome deals on curtains at Shopko and some beautiful fabric for the living room. I am trying to feel out if I will even do drapery in the dining room. I am also making my own curtains in the kitchen bay window because the color I picked for the walls clashes with the existing drapes. (Sorry Lynnette.)

With all of this done it has become a bit of a downer. The project was fulfilling and worthwhile, but it was so extended out and such a waiting game and the shopping. Oy. I am not a shopper. I hate doing it as a matter of fact. I usually go to the same place every time just to avoid it, but I am trying to be as frugal as possible.

I am also feeling a great deal of pressure from the first block of my classes ending thus creating a realization of lack of time. I have no idea what to write for my second paper and I am behind on one entire book. I will have to buckle down here now that my space has more settled and calming atmosphere. It is fatiguing more often than not to keep focused on what needs to be done. I am so driven and have so much desire, but it is the anticipation of not having to do this EVER AGAIN that makes me just want to cry. However, I just have to believe that there is an end and I can do it.

I promise that when I get a camera and everything set up I will post pictures of the finished product of my house.

Trying to Build Something Beautiful

2011-05-29T19:37:00.002-06:00

It is so frustrating to paint. You have to paint one coat, dry, then another, dry, make sure that you don't paint the places not that color and then you have to tape off what you just painted if you are painting the other areas a different color. However, the progression has been steady thanks to many friends and family helping. I am now down to the last coat of paint on the trim and planning to do the ceiling tonight. I am wishing to clean my carpet while all my furniture is conveniently off of it, so tonight I will do the first coat of ceiling paint. Then tomorrow I plan to take a mental health day and clean the carpet with every intention of hiding out in my room all day while it dries. Next day is all about moving stuff back into place and putting up drapes. The next day is going to be the big challenge, organizing the garage. Pictures to be posted once I figure out how to do it. It is very frightening to look at all the clutter an individual accumulates in just one year. I hope to keep up this tradition of a yearly cleaning over a week's time so I will not end up on the show Hoarders. :) It is off to finishing my assignments. I feel good about this semester, so keep all ligaments crossed!

Missing you!

2011-05-19T22:33:00.003-06:00

Lynnette, my roommate of over a year now has been forced to move out. She had to quit her job as a manager at Maurices because of various problems with her boss and the work environment. She had found a new job working at an insurance agency. However, this took certification and test taking which took longer than she expected. Slowly her money ran out and she told me last week that she had to leave. It is true that I wish she had informed me earlier stressed or not, but I also started to move forward with plans to paint the front room and clean the carpets.

It was odd. I was not very sad that she was leaving. I was eager and almost impatient. However, today, when the last of her things went out the door (minus a mirror and painting that she accidentally left behind) I felt a great void.It is true that my house looks rather sad at the moment with no drapes and various paint samples on the wall, but when I sat there by myself I quickly realized that the presence of Lynnette was gone. There was not feeling of someone else. It was all me. It was a rather interesting feeling that I soaked in for almost half and hour. The space was totally and wholly mine. I missed her presence, but I also felt so much liberation and yet the whole empty feeling was almost inescapable. It is very bipolar feeling of me.

I will miss Lynnette's laugh, her ability to make me laugh, our late night talks as we get ready for bed, the various plans to make the house our own, my grips with her not being outside of her own room and hers of my constant clutter, but most of all it was the coming home to someone. Knowing she was there even if asleep or awake. We were together and now it is over. Sighs and laments.

Moving Forward

2011-05-10T20:43:00.002-06:00

It is so hard to face up to criticism from your family and friends. I believe that the life I have is a good one. I am a good person and I have good goals and dreams. I may not have what people would want for me in a relationship, but I love this man. He is my other half. He has my humor, my drive, and my dreams in mind. This is all I ask of him. What I ask of everyone else is to respect my decision and recognize that this last fight has eliminated most of the old issues such as his inability to commit to me. He told me straight up he will marry me when he can support himself instead of relying on me. As stupid as this sounds to some, I respect it. I know marriage is a partnership, but in this situation maybe individual growth needs to happen first. I will leave this argument at that. I love all of you and I hope you can just back me up instead of coming down on me.

Realization

2009-04-23T22:59:00.004-06:00

Today I got a call from my travel agency. They wanted me to come and pick up my confirmation papers. All of a sudden, this wave of excitement hit me. I actually started jumping up and down and tackling my Mom (she was not too thrilled about that haha.) It was like someone turned the light on in my brain and said, "you're going to London! Be excited!" There are still issues such as I only have about $300 for spending money. I am worried because it is too late to get any banks to change my money into pounds, and I've heard of three people's Visa cards that didn't work because Visa suspended activity due to the fact it was from a completely different country. My issue is mostly that I have so little money that any loss of any type of form of money is huge. I do plan to take a Visa, my Mastercard Debit, and $100 cash with me, so hopefully it will all work out.

Today our family friend T.J. Smith came to visit. He is checking out Weber State and Utah Valley for potential colleges and is crashing at our house for a night. It is perfect because he has his own private bath and some privacy from the rest of the house. It has been nice to talk to him on a more one on one basis. He might be going out for Weber's football team, but if that doesn't work out, he'll settle for UVU.

I have finally completed my last paper of the semester. It is such a relief. There was a moment where I almost didn't want to make it to the end, but I'm so glad that I did.

Again, as I posted earlier, I am so grateful and blessed. I feel the spirit crashing through my heart right now, leading me towards my goals. I know this is tidings of good things to come.

So blessed

2009-04-20T17:52:00.002-06:00

My family was able to pull together a soccer team, so to kill time before I leave I decided to "count my blessings."
1.I have a family that is financially sound.
2.I have been able to work little jobs to earn some money instead of settle for a job at mcdonalds like so many other people have had to
3. I have two sisters that love me
4. I have two new brother-in-laws who love me and I love them
5. I have the opportunity of a lifetime to go to England
6. I not only am not afraid to go alone to England, but I know I have the ability to
7. I may be overweight, but that just means I'll never go hungry
8. I am mentally strong
9. I have three more classes to take before I graduate college
10. I have an extended family that loves me
11. I have good friends who make me feel like life is for fun and not to be taken too seriously
12. I am intelligent enough to know my potential and know that settling for a waitressing job or worse if below me, and the intellegence mentioned can get me any job I aim for

All by myself and reading Dracula!

2009-04-02T21:02:00.002-06:00

I am reading Dracula for the second time in a year in a house that is completely empy except me, and I'm totally spooked. For those of you who haven't read Bram Stoker's Dracula, do it, but read it in a well lit room or in the sun cause there are definate creepy parts. I haven't seen the movie and I will probably won't because I truly believe it will totally spoil my vision of the story.

My parents left for Paris yesterday and I have the whole house to myself. I never thought I would feel lonely, but it is rather lonely to be in a big house all alone. However, I am enjoying the solitude. I am enjoying the fact that I don't feel like I should be doing something and being productive. I can go at my own pace and not feel guilty for not cleaning up. Also, I need complete silence when I study, so it is really nice to have absolutely no interruptions.

I also have a confession...I found some old lingerie. My favorite is this silky nightgown so I've been sleeping in that. haha. Silk feels SO good against the skin. Especially when you've just shaven your legs. Too much information, I know, but I had to tell SOMEONE! haha

ENGLAND HERE I COME!

2009-03-30T22:18:00.001-06:00

I am happy to announce that I found a tour group to join up with and I am now going to England. I make the final payment tomorrow and get all the info in the next couple of weeks. I know I leave on May 5 and won't be back until May 19th. Both flights are at reasonable times and I got the tickets for $800 roundtrip! I'll post my itinerary later, but I can't explain how tangible this is now that the money is paid. I feel so excited I just want to scream shout and dance, but that is a hard thing to do with your parents watching you. haha.

I do have some minor stress about finding a job. I have applied to the AMC movie theater where I used to work, but they haven't received my application and thus can't schedule me. I am very suspicious of this though, because my cousin Ryan said he just started right away and did the application later. Sigh, such is life for me.

I have an interview tomorrow and am totally freaking out about it, but it is a part time position. I am also realizing that even though it pays three dollars more than I have made anywhere else I have every worked at in my life, I will only get about 18 hours a week. The reason for this sort of let down is that I was hoping I could move out this August. This is not looking good even if I get the job I am interviewing for. I am worried that the stress of living on my own going, again, paycheck to paycheck is going to make my grades drop which is something I can't afford. I have lived on my own and understand the stress.

I am also concerned that I won't get into the teaching program at Weber State and will have to apply somewhere else. Getting my bachelors complicates things because it is either I just go through the motions and get the certification or technically another bachelors or I do the masters program which is even more intense work, but with my mediocre GPA I am not sure they would even consider accepting me. All of this and if I move out that would really put my stress level at a high range. I have considered just getting the certification and then going back for a masters, but that would mean another year or two of school and I really don't think I want to do that at this stage in the game.

Maybe I need to just stick my mind out there and see what I can do, but I honestly can say that I fear failure above all other things. I fear falling behind and not being good enough. I fear disappointing my family, again. I pray for patience for the things to come and come what may I just stand and move forward because that is all I can do. It is maddening!

Bad News

2009-03-14T01:20:00.000-06:00

My friend is not able to go with me to London. This was a crushing blow. I am trying to find a literary tour that is going through England, but most tours have booked since January. I feel very taken out by this news as you can imagine. Any other tours would cost me an extra $700 to go by myself. I have the money; I just don't have someone to go with me. I could go alone, but what fun is a tour of England without someone to share it with? I have a big decision ahead of me. No worries, I do not plan to go alone. At least not without a group to go along with. However, I could also go on a smaller trip and use the remainder money for my own benefit. What should I do? That is a very big question.

Park City-Spring Break 2009

2009-03-11T17:33:00.000-06:00

I just got back from my Spring Break trip to Park City. It was totally random and yet we landed a really sweet deal of $50 per person for a two night stay in a Holiday Inn. There were four of us that went and I shared a bed with my friend Adam. Kellyn and Mark are a couple that came with us. It was an adventure that first night, but that is later.

We got to Park City at about 3:00 PM. We checked into the room and sort of lazed around the room. It was snowing slightly and so it killed any wish we had of going too far, so we hit the local movie theater for our source of entertainment. We watched Slumdog Millionaire (fantastic!!!) and got ice cream. Now, the ice cream is ironic considering it was a literal blizzard outside, but it sounded good and it did not disappoint. haha. Plus, it was Cold Stone, I mean come on! Well, the first night we discovered the pool and hot tub. Upon going in there we found it swarming with a rather large family. It made me remember being those kids with my family and running around like crazy probably annoying the adults that were in there. It was amusing. After wearing ourselves out, we found Wal-mart and decided to go see if there was anything interesting in there. Well, we were shocked to discover that the Wal-mart closed at ten. We discovered this by a Spanish announcement and then an English announcement that they were closing in five minutes. It was bewildering to say the least. Needless to say, we ended up back at the hotel room nearly passing out from fatigue.

Now, for all of you that know me, you know I snore. I warned them and even brought little snore things to go on my nose to help, but alas, in the middle of the night I get slammed with a pillow and realize that I was snoring. It was not very fun and horribly embarrassing, but my companions had a good humor about it for the most part so I let it slid off my shoulders.

That day we all decided to go to downtown Park City. Upon getting there (after getting lost to find Main Street), the wind started to pick up making us all very cold. We went in a few shops and looked around at the super expensive merchandise, but very quickly realized that it was much too cold to walk around. We stopped by Rocky Mountain Chocolates (oh heaven on earth is a chocolate dipped strawberry and a raspberry truffle) and headed back to our area or Park City.

We hit the outlet malls and, again, for all you who know me, I hate shopping. I'm not the kind of girl that can spend hours shopping. I rarely impulse buy clothes or anything like that. This trip, however, was different. We started on one end of the outlet and went into whatever place struck our fancy. My friend Kellyn and I found some adorable shoes at Journey for $40, but didn't buy them straight off. We had previously established that if we find something, we'll go around to the other stores to see what we can find there. Well, further down the line is a Claire's which sells little things like bracelets, necklaces, purses, trinkets. The first thing I see when I walk in the door and look around is a purse that matches the shoes I had seen earlier. When I say match, I mean they were meant to be together. Naturally, the female in me reacted with cooing awe and I bought the purse immediantly. Well, sort of. The Claire's associate had a problem with the register and it took fifteen minutes for us to get out of the store, but it was well worth it.

We hopped into the car to go to the upper part of the outlet mall. Yes, this was a lazy move on our parts, but we had already spent three hours walking and we were tired!! Kellyn's boyfriend Mark found some really nice Nike shoes for $30 and I ran into my cousin Melissa's husband, Brian. I had totally forgot he worked over there and was completely taken aback. It was good to see him.

Kellyn and I decided to go back down to buy the shoes and she wanted some dresses she saw. I bought the shoes and became even more excited when I saw how neatly they went together.

To pamper ourselves, we went to Ruby Tuesday for dinner. Yum! Well, my steak was awesome, but poor Mark got some dry ribs. Also, our waitress took forever getting our check out to us. We went back to the hotel and soaked in the hot tub again.

After a more restful sleep (I think they were all too worn out to notice my snoring), we all got up and cleaned up the room. We were out of the hotel by noon.

We stopped by the Gateway on our way home, but quickly realized that we were all sort of done. After a half effort to find shoes for Kellyn's new dress, we headed back to Ogden.

Just getting started.

2009-03-07T13:09:00.000-07:00

Everyone told me, "Oh you must do a blog! It is so much fun!." Obviously, I caved to pressure. I probably won't post very often cause my life is not very eventful at the moment, but I figured it was a perfect time to post because I will be doing some pretty exciting things coming up. Thus, I decided that to put it all in one spot where everyone can see it.

In case I did not tell anyone this, I am planning a trip to London in May. I am struggling with a my friend that is going with me. Her parents got all freaked out by the movie Taken, and now won't let her go. Well, I went to a travel agent and found a tour group that we could join. The cost, including trans-atlantic flight, would be about $3000. The travel agent found an awesome deal of a flight ($713) and the cost of the tour will cover all breakfasts and a few dinners. Well I tell my friend and she said that she needs me to hold off until next Thursday to book because she isn't sure about the money available. This is extremely frustrating. That flight cost is the reason I will have $1000 left over for spending money so if the flight jumps back up to $1000 I am out three hundred dollars. Not only that, but the tour could book up quickly in that long of a wait. I'm half tempted to just tell my friend that I am going without her, but I am not going to lie the idea of going to a foreign country alone terrifies me. Not only that, but I'm a social person and I will go nuts seeing all the sights without someone to comment on them with.

I am getting into helping with Erica's wedding. It is strange to think that she will be married in June. I still have issues imaging Brianne being married! Talking about intimate things with my sisters has never really been uncomfortable for me, but it is the whole idea behind it that I now have a brother and will soon have another brother. I forgot both their birthdays already (Sigh). Actually I suck at birthdays in general, but that is a whole new topic. :)

I will be graduated with a bachelors degree in English by December and, cross your fingers, will enter into the teaching program at Weber State by next Spring. My GPA is the main fight, but I'm doing well so far this semester so there is hope. I have chosen to take a class this summer (groan), but that will leave only six more credits for me to take in fall. This will make more time for me to concentrate on those classes.